Hi to all my new followers! Let me just take a minute to thank you all -- I don't get many visitors out here on the outskirts of Blogging Land, so your support and attention is much appreciated! I had fun participating in Week 2 festivities!
Moving on, it's Week 3 -- and I'm joining in on the Query Critique contest. Below is a query letter for my 80,000-word adult(-ish) paranormal romance titled GLOW. Please, share your scathing comments -- every mean, honest thing helps get me closer to the perfect query! ... Niceness, though, is always smiled upon :)
Dear [Agent],
After having visited your site, I see that you are looking for paranormal romance and adventures, and I’d like to show you GLOW, complete at 80,000 words.
Sundae is content with her boring life as a publishing exec, living out her father's dreams while her artistic ambitions are all but forgotten. Until, that is, she meets Brendan, a superhero-ish bartender who makes her see her world differently. ... That he's an alien sent from another realm to adjudicate whether Earth is worth saving from a dark entity taking over the universe – well, that's just the cherry on top. Can Brendan make Sundae honor herself in a world so full of hate? Can Sundae convince him that Earth is worth saving?
In addition to years of professional editing, I have extensive experience writing professionally in both traditional print and online media.
Attached below is [requested materials], as per your request. I would be honored if you would consider representing GLOW.
Thank you for your consideration and attention,
Amber Plante
....SO? Thoughts? Comments, feedback? The book is a spectacular romp with surprisingly deep emotions and lots of humor -- and a cast of characters that I really want to be friends with in real life. I've always said (to myself) that this is the best novel I've ever written -- so hopefully I conveyed enough to make an agent want to read it, too!
In advance, I love all of you for your help -- it's truly invaluable.
PS_- Lora Rivera is a rock star. Whoever wins this prize -- well, you're damn lucky.
3 years ago
Hey Amber! Love the sound of this story!
ReplyDeleteJust wondering tho, is Amber jaded about the hate on Earth? Has she experienced the hatred first hand? Why wouldn't she honor herself? And why would she feel Earth is NOT worth saving? These are just questions I had when I read. I'm not sure rhetorical questions are a big win in queries. I've heard agents hate them. But you know, they're all different anyway. :)
Good luck with this!
Interesting story idea. Reading this query made me wonder why Sundae isn't freaked out by Brendan being an alien. I think it might help show where tension and conflict develop in the story by telling a bit about how Sundae is going to convince him the Earth is worth saving.
ReplyDeleteThank you both so much for your feedback -- given me some things to think about, for sure.
ReplyDeleteHey Amber! I think you need to start with the hook. The grabber is the most important aspect of any query and I feel like your first sentence in the 2nd paragraph is dull- nothing sets it apart from the hundreds of other queries they receive daily. And you mention artistic ambitions but then say nothing more about it, so I was thrown off by the alien thing. I thought it was going to be a totally diff story. If the artistic part isn't a main part of the story, I'd throw it out. If you like questions, how about this for a hook: Can a publishing executive convince an alien sent from another realm that Earth is worth saving? And then move into the plot of your story after skipping a line.
ReplyDeleteA hook that uses 15 words or less and takes out character names works best (or so I've read). BTW, I've used the name, but spelled Sundai, in another WIP of mine:)
Amber,
ReplyDeleteWhere's the hook? I'd like something to draw me in right away.
I didn't get a strong sense of the voice of your MC. You did a lot of telling, not showing. Try to write it as your MC thinks/talks.
Also, the questions are a big turn off. Agents don't like open-ended questions. I'd take them out and make them absolute statements. That would strengthen your letter a lot.
One last thing, what is the conflict? Is it that earth is going to be destroyed? I'm not feeling the intensity about Sundae convincing Brendan not to destroy earth. Why not? Why can't she leave with him and live on another planet? Why does she think earth is worth saving? I would make this the main focus of your letter because this seems to be most of your plot.
Good luck!
I'm with the folks who say start with a hook. I know some agents prefer an intro paragraph, but most don't care.
ReplyDeleteI've also heard agents don't like the open-ended questions. And I'd take out the ellipsis, they didn't really work for me.
Most queries seem to be too long. I like that yours is short, but add just a bit to give us some more information about what Brendan's alien status means for Sundae. I bet your story is amazing. I just don't get a great sense of it yet.
Good luck and glad to be a new follower!
Hi Amber. Cool premise!
ReplyDeleteI'd like to see your premise in the first sentence as a hook.
I was told not to mention what the agent has on her site because she already knows that.
Hope this helps.
I'm a new follower.
kathy
Hi Amber,
ReplyDeleteI think it's okay to start with the paragraph with few words about why you chose the agent. That should be somewhere in the query anyway, although I doubt that it's placement will mean the difference between acceptance and rejection.
It sounds like an interesting story. A few minor points: In the first sentence of the pitch you say she is "content" although her life doesn't sound too great. Maybe she has "accepted that her life is..." "given up on..".
You might consider changing this section: Can Brendan make Sundae honor herself in a world so full of hate? Can Sundae convince him that Earth is worth saving?
Instead of the questions, perhaps you can set up Sundae's specific goal in the story. For example, "In order for Sundae to convince Brendan that the Earth is worth saving, she must first convince herself."
Good luck!
I disagree with an above post—I thought your query had a lot of VOICE, as well as humor. Love the name Sundae by the way—I hope she gets topped with cherries at some point :)
ReplyDeleteWhat I couldn’t make out was the plot. What is the inciting incident that starts the story. What does Sundae want? What stands in her way? What is the exact conflict? And what will happen if the conflict isn’t resolved?
I keep making this same comment on other queries—so sorry if I am repeating myself—it just helped me so much! Author Elana Johnson has a great blog about writing query letters: http://elanajohnson.blogspot.com/p/writing-query-letter.html
I hope you get to see your characters in print—then others can love them too. Good Luck.
Hey Amber!
ReplyDeleteThought I'd follow and see where you lead me. You're one of my last query critiques and I'm getting a bit burned out, but here it goes:
From all the advice I've been given recently, I'd say to keep your book title, genre and word count at the end of the query.
Now, I don't know about a hook. I mean, what is that really? Just start with what the conflict is and move on into what the MC's choices are and the consequences of her decision. That's it in a nutshell.
You do manage to entice us with a glimpse of something, but you haven't jumped into the heart of the story and given us the heart of their journey. You just kind of dance around it instead. So I'd say to just flesh that out a little bit.
Lastly, only include certifiable credentials, that is, exactly where and what you've been editing for years.
Hi Amber! It looks like you've already received a ton of good advice, so I will keep my comments short and sweet. First of all, I really like the premise of this book. It sounds unique and compelling, and I'd really like to see where a love story between an alien and a human goes. I like your dashes of humor, and I am definitely intrigued by your query here.
ReplyDeleteHowever, like others have said, I'm just not quite sure I "get" your story yet. I was especially confused by the comment about Sundae learning to honor herself, because it doesn't necessarily sound like she isn't honoring herself already. And what does that mean exactly? I realize Sundae isn't practicing her art, but the phrase "honor herself" makes me think she doesn't respect herself.
I also agree with Nancy Thompson that you should be wary of blanket phrases like, "In addition to years of professional editing, I have extensive experience writing professionally in both traditional print and online media." Agents want specific examples--names, dates, publishers, etc.--to make sure you aren't flubbing, so I would definitely include those in your query. Best of luck to you!
Hey Amber!
ReplyDeleteI too think your query has some great voice. I did, however, have some of the same questions that PK had. I am wondering why Sundae doesn't honor herself mainly. I get why Brennan wouldn't want to save the earth if he is an alien though:)
If you are planning on submitting your query for the contest please email it to me by 12PM ET Tuesday.
Good Luck!
D
Hi, Amber,
ReplyDeleteI've put my suggestions in parentheses/all caps:
(After having visited your site, I see that you are looking for paranormal romance and adventures, and I’d like to show you=NOT NEEDED, AS AGENTS/EDITORS ALREADY KNOW WHAT THEY LIKE. :) (GLOW, complete at 80,000 words=MOVE THIS TO LATER IN YOUR QURERY AND START WITH YOUR HOOK.).
Sundae is content with her boring life as a publishing exec, living out her father's dreams while her artistic ambitions are all but forgotten. Until, that is, she meets Brendan, a superhero-ish bartender who makes her see her world differently. (...=DELETE) That he's an alien sent from another realm to adjudicate whether Earth is worth saving from a dark entity taking over the universe( – NO SPACES AROUND EM DASHES)well, that's just the cherry on top. Can Brendan make Sundae honor herself in a world so full of hate? Can Sundae convince him that Earth is worth saving? (I'M HOOKED! PROBABLY WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO BREAK THIS INTO TWO GRAPHS, THOUGH.)
(THIS IS WHERE YOU WANT TO HAVE YOUR BOOK TITLE, WORD COUNT, GENRE.)
In addition to years of professional editing, I have extensive experience writing professionally in both traditional print and online media. (I AGREE WITH NANCY'S ADVICE HERE.)
Attached below is [requested materials](, as per your request=DON'T NEED THE LAST HALF OF THIS SENTENCE). (I would be honored if you would consider representing GLOW.=CONSIDER DELETING.)
Thank you for your consideration and attention(,=PERIOD INSTEAD OF A COMMA)
WHAT WONDERFUL VOICE! YOU'VE HOOKED ME WITH THAT AS WELL AS THE PLOT.
Michelle
P.S. I'm a new follower!