BlogFest Week 3: Query Critique Contest -- PART 2

Hey everyone! Thank you so much for your attention to detail and suggestions! I definitely took them under serious consideration, as you can (hopefully) see below. Here's the latest copy:

Dear [Agent],

[HOOK HERE?]

After having visited your site, I see that you are looking for paranormal romance and adventures, and I’d like to show you GLOW, complete at 80,000 words.

Sundae has accepted her high-society life as a publishing exec, living out her father's dreams while giving up her artistic ambitions. Until, that is, she meets Brendan, a superhero-ish bartender who makes her question her choices. He’s statuesque, strong and confident – and could quite possibly be the first real man Sundae has ever dated.

But he’s not a real man at all. Brendan is an alien sent from another realm to adjudicate whether Earth is worth saving from a dark entity taking over the universe – and that's just the cherry on top. Beneath his human guise, Brendan and his crew must decide whether to allocate the Council’s protective powers – but, in order for Sundae to convince him her world is worth the risk, she must first convince herself.

With a dollop of humor, a drizzle of danger and a sprinkle of sweet-and-salty supporting characters, GLOW is a paranormal romance with depth, adventure and intrigue sure to satiate readers’ appetite for a unique voice and a compelling page-turner.

In addition to years of professional magazine, newspaper and online editing with Gannett-owned Captivate (those cool elevator screens), the Pulitzer-Prize-winning Eagle Tribune Newspaper in Mass., and multi-media technology company TechTarget, I have also published writing in both traditional print and online media.

Attached below is [requested materials], as per your request. I would be honored if you would consider representing GLOW.

Thank you for your consideration and attention,
Amber Plante

As you'll see, I left some things from the original, ditched others and embellished the teaser.
 
Reasons: I do think it's polite to not only show you did research on the agent by looking at his/her site before shooting off an email, but to also thank them for spending the time reading the query. Agents' time and attention are valuable, and not acknowledging their effort seems rude. Also, I like starting with an introduction – again, it's a polite factor – even though I know it's not standard.
 
I'm really hung up on the hook, though. I've never used one before, and I'm not really sure 1.) that I need one with the expanded description and 2.) that I want to be redundant. ... Any suggestions?

Thank you all so much, and good luck with your own queries! :) There's room on bookshelves for us all, and I can't think of nicer people to share them with one day!